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Widowhood dating

But no matter how hard I pray or wish or plead, my husband is not coming back. And I never really grasped the true empty horrible sucky meaning of the word final until my husband died. But the person I need the most to get me through this is the person I am grieving for. Grief has seemingly given me super human perspective powers. I just welcome the day I get to be with my husband once again. I am just free from the fear the word “death” brings. It was a strange conversation to have at age 20 (me) and 22 (clay).

The ridiculous up and down of emotions just plain sucks. But I cannot and will not let myself get stuck in grief. Even living with/loving a person with a chronic illness…doing all the preparing/talking we did…reading every possible grief book, book on heaven, book on dying…wasn’t enough to prepare me for single handedly worst day of my life. Every day is different and sometimes every hour is different. Some nights I go to bed sobbing but I wake up with a smile on my face loving life. About a month ago I was reading some cards my husband gave me on various holidays/occasions. I can honestly say I have very few regrets in my marriage and I am mostly proud of the wife I was. But according to my daughter “mommy’s can’t play because they have eyes in back of their head.” I just about peed in my pants laughing. Things are different then they were on June 1st 2015. When clay and I first started dating he told me about two boys at his high school who lost parents.

My life has a a defining point that will never be erased. I am not the same person I was on May 31st nor can I ever be that person. Other days I am horrified by the realization that family pictures from here on out will never ever include my husband. I died to Christ in my early 20’s and I made a vow on my wedding day to put my husband before myself and to put God at the forefront of our relationship. When I made a mistake I owned it and tried my darnedest to make sure I didn’t do it again. I stumbled plenty of times but I learned something each time. We knew about my husbands illness before we had kids. I was posed the question by the counselor who was with me in the hospital before my husband died “if you could go back to your life before you met your husband would you tell yourself not to date him…marry him…and/or have kids with him? He or she turns around and the other players freeze. Since my husband died I feel like my life is frozen. I’m constantly staring at my old life, fearful of what may happen if I turn around and let my life go on without my husband. My mom is going through chemo for her recurrence of cancer. The 6 year old will be 7 soon and then none of the kids will be the age they were when their daddy died. I would have been upset him if the shoe was on the other foot.

I am eternally grateful to them for sharing their stories.

They have no idea how much it impacted my life and Clay’s life.

Dating takes a harsher toll on parent–daughter compared to parent–son relationships.

Overall, dating threatens parent–child relationships in specific cases, yet it may also strengthen widow(er) s' parent–child bonds.

It shouldn’t amaze me but somehow it always does–how God places people in our lives exactly when we need them.

This is one reason I absolutely love getting to know people. I am not supposed to be a single mom to three kids. I now have more good days than bad and I can look at pictures without sobbing uncontrollably.

This is NOT how the story of my life was supposed to be written. Grief is the price I am paying for deeply loving another person. I have an internal and external perspective on life I wish I could give to the world. Our marriage wasn’t perfect and I did a lot wrong but what I did do right is put God before my wants. The one who lost his parent suddenly believed it was best because he didn’t watch any suffering.

My perspective on life is so different than it was before the death of my husband. Other days I have “crazy brain” (as my 6 year old calls it) but 10 min later I am in a really good mood. It brought a smile to my face because I honestly say I gave it my all during our marriage. When I look at the thousands of pictures I took over the course of nearly 17 years of being with my husband I can see the joy I had in my eyes. They bravely stood in front of the class and gave speeches on their experiences. Both of the boys thought the way their parent died was the best way.

Up until that point in the nearly 17 years of knowing my husband I can honestly say I hadn’t even thought about that. Grief is the price you pay for sharing your heartaches and hopes. I over heard my youngest daughter and son discussing the rules to their new game “shadow”. But it’s a hard thing to turn around and let life happen.